Reflection

I was brought to Singapore at a tender age of seven for one purpose in my parents’ minds: to have an education and to escape the riots occurring in Jakarta then. Never did they realize that I would be granted Singapore citizenship as seen today. This, I believe, can only be made possible by the grace of God and the love from my parents. At such a young age, I did not understand why I was brought from one country to another and finally settled down in Singapore. Perhaps, I was partially conscious of what was happening, though not completely of the cause. Throughout my education in Singapore, God was, is and will always be my driving force and source of comfort and strength. The two other people whom I want to thank are none other than my mother and sister. They have been role models set in place by God in my life to be exemplified. They have been pillars of strength as well for me to rely on during my ups and downs in my life in Singapore.

I would like to share about my education in Singapore which started in Primary 2. I remember when I was enrolled into St. Gabriel’s Primary School at an age of eight. Back then, I was neither fluent in my English nor my Mother Tongue – which is Chinese. Therefore, as it turned out, I only managed to score 60-75% for my languages and sciences – the latter because the syllabus was learnt in English. For certain examinations, I even barely passed. Such scores in the Primary level were deemed poor and below average. Only my mathematics was better at around 70-80%. As time flew quickly, I reached Primary 6, and at the end of the year then, it was the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination) which was a very important examination. The results that you achieve from this examination will determine the Secondary school that you enter the year after. For the Preliminary Examination, I achieved 6^th position in the level in my school, and that boosted my confidence – and perhaps beyond the normal levels such that it turned out to be over-confidence. I was so self-assured that I would do well for PSLE that I admit I even played at a cybercafe the day before the actual examination. As a result, obviously, I got an aggregate of 236 marks for a combined 4 subjects, which was the average mark for PSLE. I think that at that age, I did not take the PSLE as seriously as I was supposed to and neither was I conscious of the importance of the examination. This is not an excuse though. However, let bygones be bygones. My mother was quite disappointed about my results, but thankfully, I managed to enter a relatively good Secondary School – Maris Stella High.

It was also during that period when my sister and I started going to a Methodist Church located just beside my house. I believe that nothing happens by mere coincidence but that all the happenings in our lives are specifically designed by God Himself for an intended purpose. Why, out of all the places in Singapore, did we choose to live in Serangoon Avenue 3? It was also no coincidence at all that my sister and I were brought under the care of a family who are regular members of that church as well. At that church, my sister and I joined the youth group and from thereon, personally, my walk with God officially began. There, I was taught about Christ, salvation, worship, faith, obedience, hope, love, and many other wonderful things about God. There, I was taught to worship in spirit and in truth. There, I found a place where I could seek refuge, solace and most of all, God. I made many friends who shared the same faith, friends who were helpful and caring. They, along with the leaders, helped to nourish the roots of my faith in God, and to spur me on in my walk with Him. In short, that church was the first place where I first met God in a personal, intimate way I will never forget for the rest of my life.

In my opinion, Christianity along with the different denominations, should not be deemed as just a religion, rather, it is a faith in which a relationship with God is involved. It matters not the differences in our beliefs, but the one thing we have in common is our belief in God, in Christ, and in salvation. What matters is our relationship with God in our lives once we have been assured of our salvation – as seen in the Bible, we are saved by faith and grace alone. For example, a recent survey done in 2005 showed that 85% of priests are looking for a more effective and powerful prayer life. Therefore, in this sense, I feel that as Christians or Catholics, we should not isolate ourselves and be confined to that small little box such that we do not mix around with other Christians. We should find a church where we are comfortable with, where we can grow in faith and in love for God and the people around us. Why should our personal relationship with God be hindered by the differences in the beliefs of the different denominations? What I am saying is related to the fact that some Catholics are just too narrow-minded. My mother, for example, forbids me to attend special events organized by other Churches from another denomination. In my current Catholic church at Immaculate Heart of Mary, I feel as though I am coming to church because it is an obligation, a duty. I feel I am going to church being dragged by my mother, having to stand and kneel in church intermittently without any praise or worship for God. There, I cannot feel the spirit of worship that I used to in my previous church. I cannot feel God. Thus, if we are not able to grow in our faith in a particular church or the members of the church are not reaching out to help each other grow in faith, then what is the point of coming to that church? Our own relationship with God becomes stale and tasteless. The members of the church are what make up the church, the body of Christ. And it is written in the Bible that we ought to find a church we can grow in faith. And why should be so narrow-minded that we abhor churches from other denominations? After all, these denominations branched out of the traditional Catholic denomination because of the flaws in the practices that the church once upheld. For example, in the past, a woman with a certain disease was not allowed to offer sacrifices before the altar in the church. Is this not discrimination which is against that which we are taught by Christ? We are all flawed in certain ways. Why can’t we accept and embrace the flaws, the differences between the Catholic Church and the other denominations? Even today, the kind of worship that the Catholic Church practices is still considered “dull” and “boring” in the view of especially youths. In the Catholic Church, the members come in families which are segregated from one another such that there is a lack of interaction between them. There is no motivation given by the different families to help each other grow in faith. Unlike other denominations, the members of the Catholic Church are compartmentalized and separated from one another physically and spiritually. This, I feel, is a shame and a pity. And so, in this sense, I have to disagree with my mother that at times, I feel that she is so paranoid for prohibiting me from attending events such as camps organized by other churches from another denomination. I understand her concerns that these churches may, in her opinion, “drag me away from my own church”, but I feel I am old enough to take care of myself in terms of my faith and beliefs. After all, it is my faith and own relationship with God, and not hers. However, I will continue to pray for that all Christians in this world will, by the grace of God, accept the differences in beliefs between the different denominations and be united in one faith and love as Christ has encouraged us to do so.

Now back to my life in Secondary School, we learn about another major examination at the end of Secondary 4 called the “O” Levels Examinations which in turn will determine the Junior College or Polytechnic we shall enter the year after. Through Secondary 1 and 2, I have been blessed with so much by God that I managed to score an average of 72.8% for my end-of-year examination in Secondary 2. This result granted me the credential to take up a triple science subject combination for “O” levels which was deemed the best combination and of highest honour. In Secondary 3, I found myself unable to cope with the sciences whilst my Mathematics was improving day by day. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I met a very smart and capable student called Yuan Bo. As we sat side by side, we learned many things from each other – perhaps more for me. He imparted his knowledge of the sciences to me and I began to love each of the three science subjects one by one, starting from Chemistry to Physics and finally Biology. Through his diligence and perseverance, I was motivated to work hard in my studies and do well in my examinations. As a result of which, my results improved day after day. Praise God for that! At the same time, I made many friends in school as well – they’re fun-loving, energetic, caring, honest and true. They may not be the most studious, the smartest, the richest, the godliest, or the perfect friend, but each one of them truly and simply showed me how human I was, that life is not perfect but should be relished every single moment of our lives as though we’re about to die. Through their flaws, they magnified my own weaknesses and that allowed me to change myself accordingly.

As the ‘O’ Levels drew near, my friends and I started to burn midnight oil, sacrifice sleeping time and that which is used to play computer games, sports, etc. We made many sacrifices but when we receive our result slips next January, it will be worthwhile. For myself, I had not been able to complete my English compositions in time for examinations. But for the ‘O’ Levels, I somehow managed to develop my thoughts clearly and pen them down in a structured manner almost automatically and within the time frame. How amazing was that? The science and mathematics papers went well and I managed to complete my humanities paper in time, though not perfectly done. There is just too much for me to thank God for, and I believe this is so for my classmates, some of whom only studied one chapter which was eventually tested. Evidently, His grace can be seen from this event and other inexplicable incidents which we’ve experienced throughout the ‘O’ Levels Examinations. Looking back, I think I could have done better for my papers. However, I know for one fact that I did my best and most of all, I relied only on His grace and wisdom in completing the examinations. And this is what makes me contented and want to only move forward with the “results” I have already achieved. This is my biggest accomplishment. When I get back my results, I will not claim they’re produced by my own human effort but by that of God. I place my results in the divine hands of God. I place my future and life under his will.

What next? Move on with life.

Currently, my mother and I are not on good terms. There are really many areas where our opinions clash with each other. She’s a perfectionist. She demands total, flawless perfection. Yes, it’s true. Every night, I pray that I may be able to understand her, and vice versa. How can a relationship be maintained in good condition if the parties involved do not understand each other? Is that not why we read the Bible, and pray that we may be able to grow closer to and understand God better? I guess all of us are flawed and have our own troubles, hurdles or challenges – whatever you may want to call them – in life. I need to make that first step to know my mother better and I pray for the strength to do so. If we keep running away, when will our troubles end? And most of all, I need your prayers too! I’m just a human, a very flawed one indeed. There is just too much for me to change, for me to upgrade.

And lastly, I REALLY need to find a voluntary work for the holidays! It’s a calling for me, but I got rejected four times in a row! If you have any information, please tell me! And I’m not giving up!

Amen.