It's so difficult

Why God? Why is it that the people around me are suffering and I am not? Rather, I am the one who is enjoying life without having to go through any struggle, misery or handicap. Sucks, the feeling does. The worst part is, I don't have the ability to change any of this.

Why Lord? Why?

Médecins Sans Frontières

I'm called by you Lord. Walk with me down that journey. It's not going to be easy, I know. But your grace is more than enough for me.

Mum, you're just so unreasonable, paranoid, and always acting self-righteous.

God, why are you making it so hard on me?

Sighhhhhhhhh. So much things to do. So little time. My mum's right, I'm sacrificing too much.

ODAC

Life's getting more complicated and busyyy! MYE's over and so is OT. OT was freaking awesome and I'm really looking forward to OCIP this november! God, I really need help. Failed bio. And so is gp and econs. Screweddd wheeee.

So much things happened and so many things learned.

VJC ODAC, the best decision I've ever made. (-:

"Return to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's."

Be back in Singapore on 5th June! Hope OT's funn! (:

Mark 10:28-31

Peter spoke up and said to Jesus, "We have given up everything to follow you."

Help me to follow you not only when the Sun is shining brightly, when the crowds are cheering, but also when I am persecuted and weak.

"Many who now are first will be last, and the last, first."

Help me to be the last, Lord, help me to lead by serving, by caring for my neighbours, because you said that the greatest are those who are humble and servile.

Mark 10:17-27

"Go and sell all you have and give the money to the poor and you will have riches in heaven, then come and follow me."

Help me not to be attached to the material things, status, wealth and recognition in this world, Lord, but to always seek your kingdom and the riches stored in heaven. Grant me a heart of sacrifice to offer my energy, material things and service to the people around me. For our riches belong to the poor. We have status, riches and talent to help our neighbours. I pray that the gifts that you haven given me may be given to those around me through me.

Keep using me as your instrument, o Lord, that your work may be fulfilled in this world.

Sometimes I wish I can turn back the clock and avoid the stupid mistakes that I made.
To the person who made me lose so much confidence in myself, screw off yea? I would really appreciate it if you don't poke your stupid nose into stuffs that you're not involved in or in charge or have no business with. That would really make my life easier for the rest of my school term. And the best part is you can just pretend nothing happened. Asshole. I'm so sick of seeing your face in school everyday.

17th BIRFFFDAYYYE. :D

AHH bless me, birthday's on a weekend. A wonderful one indeed!
Went out with my old pals on sat, ate dinner and talked like the old dayys!! Southpark, and muds who go to wavehouse party and just walk about smoking. LOL. Hahahha. Miss my secondary days :( It was really more relaxed and enjoyable (maybe).
Had lunch on sunday with mummy and jiejie! Angus House ftw! Awesome, really. Followed by desserts and cake! Then went out again at night to Bon's house like the old times! Wanted to play ball but it rained. Watched iron man2 instead! That's like the first time stepping into a cinema after what, 5 months? Wth right! Yup, that's my jc life.Yours?
Can't believe the year passed so quickly! Holidays coming up, OT trip (YES ah, can't wait :D), and then mid years.. Screwed.

But thank God for everything! Knowing you has been a blessing and always will be.

Psalms 105: 1-4
"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."

Words can't describe how grateful I am to you Lord. Thank you for making my life complete and purposeful. (:

Wonderful people, wonderful friends, wonderful family (:
Thank you Lord :D

Why should I feel worthless when Christ became sin on my behalf that I might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21)?

Why should I feel like a failure when I am a conqueror in all things through Christ (Romans 8:37)?

Help me, Lord.

It sucks.

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday

"I love you just as the Father loves me; remain in my love."

"I have told you all this, that my own joy may be in you and your joy may be complete."

Help me, Lord, for you are the only person who brings us real fullness of life.

TIREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
LAGGGGGGGGGGING BEHINDDDDDDD.

Kay, need to start studying! MUST.

House comm results tmr!! Cant wait. Get it over with man.

Hey guys! Just watched "Facing the Giants" for the second time! It's a really beautiful and touching movie about how a rugby coach's life (family, career, faith) is transformed as he believes in God in his most toughest times. You should watch it, seriously!!

I'm just amazed at how God uses the weak, the disadvantaged, to magnify and show his might and strength. Personally, this is something that is very touching because it's something I've experienced for myself. Ahhh, I can never explain it in detail how beautiful the movie is unless you watch it for yourself!

Things are getting better, thankfully. Everything. (:

"I am the living bread that came down from heaven."

Lord, thank you for all your blessings, for all that you've provided for me. You've once again shown me how privileged I am, and how wonderful you are through the perfect plan you've set for me. Help me not to rely on physical food but on that which is spiritual and comes from every word of the living God. Help me to hunger and thirst for your word as I seek meaning and consolation from it. Help me always to rely on your strength and put in my best in all that I do, as I face the giants in my life. Help me not fear also, but to put my every confidence in your will. Help me to trust in You and believe that whatever the outcome is, it is the best that You hope for us. Lastly, thank You Lord, for the pillars of strength and role models that You've placed in my life, from which I can seek comfort, solace and support, and learn from respectively. You simply amaze me O Lord, through the way you show your greatness, your might, your glory by using the seemingly weak, small and insignificant, albeit strong and faithful in heart, soul and spirit, around me. Help me to learn from these.

Amen.

Yea when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I...I look at you

When the waves
Are flooding the shore and I can't
Find my way home anymore
That's when I, I...I look at you

"They had rowed about three or four miles, when they saw Jesus walking on the sea, and he was drawing near to the boat. They were frightened, and he said to them, 'It is me; don't be afraid.'

Lord, you're just so wonderful to show me comfort through your Word when I needed it most. Help me O Lord, not to be afraid. Give me the courage to go through it with You.

Confused, distraught.

There is no end to the gifts
God gives us in life.
The great act of faith lies
in coming to understand that -
even when we cannot see it.

"They filled large baskets with the scraps left over from the meal of five barley loaves."

Lord, help me to always recognise and appreciate your goodness in blessing us with the many gifts we don't deserve. At times, I may look towards what I do not have rather than what I have. When this happens, help me realize and offer you my thanksgiving. Amen.

Hello!! It's been ages, yeah. In short, JC is getting even more tiring but is still awesome, with PIs, projects, videos, speeches coming up.

Well, I'm now a provisional instructor of the 27th ODAC batch! Woots, my hard work paid off. But with every victory there's a loss. That's life, isn't it? Sometimes, things just don't go your way and you get disappointed. What is admirable is that you get to your feet, take a new breath of life, and move on. And that, my friends did, and earned my respect (: I'm behind you people all the way!!

Of course, there's a sad note too. I've been assigned as photog IC. And i just feel I'm more capable than that. I wanted land chief, but I just feel my workload has been really heavy, such that I didnt even tell my batch mates what I wanted. Sigh, I'm just afraid I may become distanced from the rest, and that shouldn't be the way.. I really felt I needed an explanation. I feel I'm worth more than that, given what I felt was a very good post-OLC evaluation given by my seniors, but given my position, how am I going to prove myself? I'm not involved in any organization or planning of events.. How am I even going to run for exco, if I don't even know what's the impression I give to my batch mates, or how much I need to prove myself which I dont even know whether I can given my role.

I don't want to portray myself as a complaisant type. Just suck it up then. And I'm trying not to think about it, maybe God's trying to give me a break. Yeah. I really need it. After all, we're a batch. Sigh.

The word of God, the presence of Jesus comes to us through every dimension of life. When we block any of those by pride or prejudice, we miss the opportunity to see the works of God in fresh new ways.

Romans 12

"Therefore,I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship."

In seeking God's righteousness and His kingdom, we have to offer our bodies as living sacrifices, that is, to give our lives completely to Him. This is not an easy thing to do, I can guarantee. Becoming a Christian is an ongoing relationship that has to be maintained. In so doing, we have to make many sacrifices such as abandoning our sinful activities, forsaking our self-centeredness and obsession in worldly issue, etc. I'm sure that each and every one of us has in our personal life testified to this difficulty in carrying out a Christian life. But rest assured that God has promised not to give us crosses that are to heavy to carry and that his peace flows through us as we suffer. It's a worthy cause, an experience that can transform your very life. In becoming what God has created us to be, we can find fulfillment and satisfaction, regadless of the costs.

Remember that we are taught, in the book of Matthew, to "seek the kindgom of God and his righteousness first, before all other things may be added unto us." At times, we can lose focus in life, and forget that we have as Christians a higher purpose in being God's followers. Pray, that we may be able to concentrate on that purpose and always remember to put God as first in our hearts.

Romans 12 also teaches us not to follow the ways of the world, but be "transformed by the renewing of our mind", as we strive to do God's will.

Lord, school has been busy and very tiring at times. In these moments, I admit I have neglected you and forgotten my place in this world. I ask for pardon and I pray that you bless me with the gifts you have equipped me with and help me to use them well in carrying out your will. Help me not to shift my gaze on you, and strengthen me, O Lord, that I may have the energy and spirit to obey your commands and be a living example of your love for us. We all have our own problems, Lord, I ask that you may help us to solve them accordingly. Help us to always remember that You are the Lord our God who never fails. Amen.

Hey guys! Yup that is my QT done after a longgg break. March hols went by quickly with house camp and ODAC camp. Both camps were great and fulfilling. New friends were made and it's just amazing how God place different people into our lives. I really hope that I'm able to make a small difference for the people around me.

Anywaysss, I'm really lagging behind for my studies and I've been sleeping alot during lectures and even tutorials. It's really bad. And tomorrow is ODAC JTS ( Junior Treat Senior) at New York2 !! YAY LOL. No, it's not exciting at all with the prospect of having a huge hole in our wallets at the end of the day! On top of that, there's still ODAC chalet + bbq on Friday and phoenix cheer JTS on Sunday. Hallelujah. LOL. But it's alright, it's gonna be a great time. Okay, I really need rest. Pray for me yea? Nights!

Hey people (:

It's been ages yea?
Hmm, school's been really hectic and tiring, seriously. Currently, I'm trying to juggle badminton, odac, house comm (and cheers) and my studies altogether. And now, I'm rushing through my stupid bio project. Haha, oh well. VOG is next friday! So that means I'll reach home at 10pm+ everyday from tomorrow onwards! Yay!

Right. On a lighter note, new friends are made everyday, and I've got the chance to grow closer with my classmates and other people.

Been sleeping in lectures all the time man. And I havent taken communion for 2 consecutive weeks! Omg. Coz I've been going for rites for confirmation and I didnt go for the second mass to take communion. Alright, I've to go for confession.

Sigh, my march hols are burned also. ODAC camp, house camp, and my badminton teacher is planning to get me to go for training in between the two camps (coz there's a badminton camp in between also). Great. Thank you, Miss Lee! Or whatever your name is, I forgot, sorry! Haha.

Chow!

Give me strength, Lord.

ODAC

Super tiring. 1st night, we went to pulau ubin and had a solo walk through the jungle. 2nd day was ubin expedition with checkpoints to reach, but the main part was that we had to carry our heavy bagpacks! Veryyyyy exhausting. And the girls in my team were strong (Y). We had field cooking session too, and the purple instant noodles we bought were really tasteless. Remember, dont but that brand of noodles : Koka ;) So, second night was concluded with a solo night. At first, the mini-tent was really reallllyyy horrible. Put anyone in there and he'll sweat like a dog. Luckily, the night became colder as time passed by and I managed to sleep. Yay. LOL. Hmm, Next day, we headed back to Singapore to kayak. Again, ultra draining. My partner was too tired on the return journey, so I was like, kayaking 2 worth of body weight. Buttt, camp was really awesome in the sense that we learnt alot of life skills and values like time management, responsibility. And we all learnt to cheer and motivate and care for others in times of need. Yup. All in all, this camp is the most physically demanding but also more importantly, the most fulfilling one. Alright, gonna sleep nowww, tmr's gotta wake up at 5.30am. Omg lah. So yea, night.

The start

Lessons started today. PE went first and i was told to leave school after the run to cut my hair by the PE teacher. LOL. Hate that guy. Haha. Maths were easy. Chemistry and biology were just introductory. Then came GP, woah, it was soporific. I slept in class and I bet the teacher noticed but was too kind in excusing me. Anyway, CCA havent started and I'm already feeling so tired. I'm running for house committee, ODAC, and interact club. God. Help me. So much things to do =/

VJC yea!

Pump it up!

Pump pump pump it up, VJ's gonna pump it up!
Shake shake shake it up, VJ's gonna shake it up!
Hype hype hype it up, VJ's gonna hype it up!
Pump it up shake it up hype it up!
Ohh yea!

Awesome man. Mass dance, tribal dance, and couple dance. Woots. LOL. Had fun, yup. I'm so gonna be an OGL myself next year manz. Hmmm, wet games tomorrow at ecp, looking forward to it!

Night!

VJC

VJCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC. Orientation (day 2 only thus far) rocked my ass off. Awesome. Incredible. Stunning. Enthusiastic. Hyper. Maniac. Ultimate.

Today..

I walked into a mall lavatory and saw a rugged-looking, tired old man mopping the floor. A lowly but honest job, all for the sake of earning a livelihood for survival. As more people strode into the toilet almost ruthelessly and without giving the slightest care that their footprints will add onto the old man's workload, the latter had no choice but to keep constantly cleaning away the marks left behind, using more effort with every swipe he made. Seeing the strain of resignation to fate on his face, I pitied him, for I could already conceive the kind of life he's going through - having to work and scrimp to feed himself, without any financial support from his family (if there's one in the first place). I wished I could help him in some way or another, perhaps just to help him mop the floor for that instance.



This is too common a scene. In fact, there's so much worse happenings around the world which we are oblivious to (or can't be bothered with), from the civil war in Chad (and many other countries in the past) to the massive, horribel earthquake that occured in Haiti. Of course, these are the large issues of the world. But such small commonly seen misfortunes that we see on the streets such as above can touch us real deep, teach us and make us realise many things in our own lives.



Perhaps he wanted to work for leisure but which son/daughter, if filial, would want his/her 70-year old parent to work outside, and in so doing put him on the risk of being hurt in case of a fall, over-exhaustion, etc?



I feel really blessed, as I look at my own life and at his. If more people can appreciate the little things in life they receive from God (or whoever in respect with their religion), then there'd be more contentment and less complaisance in this world.



I respect the old man, for his courage to embrace life rather than to lament, and his honesty in living with a simple job. If more people could have this kind of intrepidity, there'd be more acceptance in this world.



If more people could live their lives honestly, greedlessly and simply without any covetous desires, there'd be less unfortunate, distressing cases of drug-trafficking, prostitution, dealing of arms, thieving, power-seeking politics, fraud, war, etc.



Appreciate your life, for it's bestowed upon you with the highest honour by God himself.

Don't grieve or complain over the misfortunes in front of you in your lives, but appreciate that there's an old man who's undergoing more sufferings than you, and you may see life in a better light. Amen to that.

Matthew 6:33

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

Help me to remember, for it's not easy, not easy at all. You're our focus and axis in life, that should never change.

Save You

Take a breath

I pull myself together

Just another step until

I reach the door

You'll never know the way it

tears me up inside to see you

I wish that I could tell you something

and take it all away

-

(Chorus)

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And theres so many things

that I want you to know

I wont give up till its over

If it takes you forever I want you to know

-

When I hear your voice

It's drowning into whispers

You're just skin and bones

Theres nothing left to take

No matter what I do I

cant make you feel better

If only I could find the answer

To help me understand

-

(Chorus)

-

That if you fall, stumble down

Ill pick you up off the ground

If you lose faith in you

Ill give you strength to pull through

Tell me you won't give up cause

Ill be waiting if you fall

Oh you know Ill be there for you

-

(Ahahaha)

If only I could find the answer

To take it all away

-

Sometimes I wish I could save you

And theres so many things

that I want you to know

I wont give up till it's over

If it takes you forever I want you to know (Oooh)

I wish I could save youI want you to know (Ohohh)

I wish I could save you (ohh)

-

I wish I could save you

I want you to know

I wish I could save you

-

I wish I could tell you something and take it all away..

"Oh" levels...

English - A2
Mathematics - A1
Additional Mathematics - A1
Physics - A1
Chemistry - A1
Biology - A1
Combined Humanities - A1
Chinese - A1
.
.
.
.
.
Higher Chinese - C6 LOLOLOLOLOL. I passed! Oh my God, you're amazing.

Anyway, I received my results today at 2pm... So here they are. My net score is 3 points.

I just feel God is so great. I mean, I've to admit that I feel a tinge of regret for my English, because I really and earnestly expected an A1 for it. But what's done is done, and that's my message for my friends out there! It's all by God's grace, period. I know some are feeling disappointed, some are on cloud nine, whilst others are feeling they could have done better. Well, the main thing is really bearing the right attitude towards your results. And I'm saying this from not from a 6-pointer's perspective but from that of a normal, average person. I've seen friends who complain about getting 7 points instead of a perfect score, while others who got 14+ points but embrace their results in stride and in thanksgiving for God. That is the kind of friend whom I have deep respect for. It's not easy, I understand, but sometimes, that just happens in life. It's never an easy journey. However, the one thing we can do to keep ourselves motivated to continue in our journey of life is to have a positive attitude towards the uncontrolled happenings in life and those which are, to some extent, in our grasp.

I'm very sure that there's no success in life which is attained, out of laziness or without substantial effort. There is no such thing as short-cuts or last minute effort formulas to success. If you feel really depressed or unsatisfied with your results, please try to look back and reflect on your studying efforts. Were they sufficient or consistent enough? If they're not, then there's really nobody to blame but yourself. If you keep playing for the 2 years of your time without giving a care about Os then you're asking for it, really. But if you truly slogged your head off, sacrificed countless of sleepless nights - and meals - but still achieved results which are undeserved then I've got nothing to say, although I daresay that such a case is extremely rare, or happens once in a blue moon, I should say. If it really is the case, then I guess it's just God's plans for you. Only he has the answers...

Then again, should we not keep moving forwards in life? Life's about making choices, the right ones. You can either give up now and think that life sucks or keep pressing on and take a second chance. And I'm certain that God will bless those who choose the latter. And you have my deepest respect and support as well.

To my dear friends, I love you and I pray that whatever you may be feeling right now, God may be able to overwhelm you with a sense of contentment and a spirit of moving ahead in life. Give yourself a second chance.

To Secondary 3s, all the best for this year. And one lesson to be concluded is : Be consistent. Full stop.

Dear Mother,

Please forgive me, for the many times...
I've made you cry;
I've failed you;
I've disobeyed you;
I've gone against your will;
I've been disrespectful;
I've made you tired;
I've made you lose hope;
I've not been a comfort when you needed me most;
I've not been filial;
I've not met your expectations;
I've not loved you enough.

Please understand, that...
I'm not a robot;
I'm not a perfect person;
I'm not the impeccable, wonderful, extraordinary child that you always wish me to be;
I'm not able to reach all your expectations;
I'm not an ingrate.

But, please realize, that...
I'm a human being;
I'm just another average person who makes mistakes naturally and unconsciously;
I understand your concerns as a mother;
I respect your status, authority and will;
I am your son;
And I will always to the best of my ability honour and obey you.

I implore you to be forgiving, accepting, tolerant, and most of all, understanding. I need you to to lower the vessel of pride that you bear out of your authority and accept me for who I am - that I am not perfect and I can never meet up to all of your ambitious, inconceivable expectations.

I may not seem loving and tender in your eyes nor very expressive of my love for you in my actions and speech. But I love you and sis very much, and I really pray that God will one day open your eyes and illuminate my feelings and thoughts to you. I pray one day, we may understand each other better. You may not see this, but I pray God may somehow relay this message to you.

P.S. I love you.

The Kill.

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside!
Finally found myself!
Fighting for a chance I know now,
This is who I really am!

Christmas

Dear Father,

Today is no ordinary day. Today marks the anniversary of your Son's birth. Today, we remember You. Today, we remember our purpose. Today, we shall not mourn. Today, we celebrate in a new hope. Today, we undergo a process of self-reflection. Today, we resolve. Today, we promise. Today, we renew and re-establish our faith. Today, we believe. Today, we wait.

Christmas is no grand festival. Today, the world views Christmas as a royal celebration and for businessman, a grand opportunity to make money, as though it's a huge party commemorating the birthday of mankind. However, the unfortunate note is that Christians do not recognize or deeply contemplate on the significance of Christmas - a Christian celebration. Christmas, being celebrated at the end of the year, should be a time for self-reflection, a period of renewal of our faith and spirit. But a significant proportion, if not most, of Christians - especially youths - around the world take the former perspective, regrettably. These people deem this celebration as an obligatory event. Is it not saddening to hear that certain people are going for mass on Christmas not in the spirit of a new hope and renewal of faith, but that of a "must-go" mentality?

Lord, I come before You humbled and in total reverence.

Lord, wash me clean so that I may come before You purified and stainless.

Lord, today I want to thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon my family and I this year. There's just too much that you've given me. I see the sufferings of the unfortunate, the poor, the hungry, the homeless, the sick, the hopeless, the godless, and those in destitute. I've witnessed to these encounters. And it hurts me to see them. It hurts so much. And I look back at my own life, at the many gifts you've showered upon me. I feel so sorry for these people. I want to make a difference for them, even in the simplest way I can. Help me, Lord. Your blessings overshadow all the negativity in my life. Thank you for these blessings. Thank you for helping me see life in this positive perspective. I pray these people - and everybody else - may do so as well, only then will we feel blessed.

Lord, today I want to re-affirm my faith in you in a new hope of salvation and your coming. Help me to focus on You. Re-establish our relationship, Lord. Help me mend the broken pieces, fix the dents and salvage the decayed portions. Help my faith to grow complete. Help me to obey You, for faith should not be a stagnant belief; it requires an action, a response. And that response lies in our obedience towards you. Help me to re-believe in your covenant, in your most glorifying deed, in your coming.

Lord, today I look back and I see the many footprints left behind in my life journey and my walk with You. There were many ups and downs. It has not been an easy adventure. It's tiring, but you were there to water, feed and piggyback me when I needed you. Thank you for that, Lord. And I admit I've walked many wrong paths. I confess I've disobeyed you and remained stubbornly in my relentless and self-sufficient ways. I acknowledge I've committed countless wrongdoings against you and my neighbours which in turn are directed to you, for what we do unto others, we do unto you. Father, please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I know you know it. Help me not to repeat the same mistakes I've done. It's difficult, but I won't give up. Help me to understand and remember You upon seeing only one set of footprints - that You've been carrying me on Your back, and shouldering all my burdens for me.

Lord, today I want to be renewed. I want to become more like You. Mold me, Lord, into Your Christ-likeness as time drifts by. Help me to care and love my neighbour indifferently, regardless of race, religion, appearance, class, status or background, for You died for ALL of us. You loved us impartially and unconditionally. Help me to grow closer to You in the new year. Help me to develop a more powerful, effective and spiritual prayer life, for what's life without prayer? What's life without being able to hear Your comforting, soft, fatherly and tender voice? And Lord, help me not to leave my Bible in the shelf to be buried in the dust. Help me, despite the inconvenience and laziness that I may feel, to read your word daily. Help me not to see it as a mandatory program, but as an act of love, and of a desire to know You more, for reading Your word is the only way we can know You better and more intimately. Help me to have that kind of desire, to hunger and thirst for Your word, for we live not by bread alone, but by every word of God.

Lord, I do not wish to be perfect. I do not wish to be saint-like and perfectly holy. I do not wish that one day I could be as holy as the Pope. I strive to be like You, but I have no such desire.

Lord, I just want to love You more. And you know that from the depths of my heart. I just want to make a difference for my family, my friend, and even for a stranger, however small that difference may be. Use me, Lord, in any way you want as you deem fit, to change, to influence, to help. That small difference I make makes my day. And this shall remain true forever, hopefully.

Thank You, Lord, for everything.

And Lord, happy birthday.

Amen.

Reflection

I was brought to Singapore at a tender age of seven for one purpose in my parents’ minds: to have an education and to escape the riots occurring in Jakarta then. Never did they realize that I would be granted Singapore citizenship as seen today. This, I believe, can only be made possible by the grace of God and the love from my parents. At such a young age, I did not understand why I was brought from one country to another and finally settled down in Singapore. Perhaps, I was partially conscious of what was happening, though not completely of the cause. Throughout my education in Singapore, God was, is and will always be my driving force and source of comfort and strength. The two other people whom I want to thank are none other than my mother and sister. They have been role models set in place by God in my life to be exemplified. They have been pillars of strength as well for me to rely on during my ups and downs in my life in Singapore.

I would like to share about my education in Singapore which started in Primary 2. I remember when I was enrolled into St. Gabriel’s Primary School at an age of eight. Back then, I was neither fluent in my English nor my Mother Tongue – which is Chinese. Therefore, as it turned out, I only managed to score 60-75% for my languages and sciences – the latter because the syllabus was learnt in English. For certain examinations, I even barely passed. Such scores in the Primary level were deemed poor and below average. Only my mathematics was better at around 70-80%. As time flew quickly, I reached Primary 6, and at the end of the year then, it was the PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination) which was a very important examination. The results that you achieve from this examination will determine the Secondary school that you enter the year after. For the Preliminary Examination, I achieved 6^th position in the level in my school, and that boosted my confidence – and perhaps beyond the normal levels such that it turned out to be over-confidence. I was so self-assured that I would do well for PSLE that I admit I even played at a cybercafe the day before the actual examination. As a result, obviously, I got an aggregate of 236 marks for a combined 4 subjects, which was the average mark for PSLE. I think that at that age, I did not take the PSLE as seriously as I was supposed to and neither was I conscious of the importance of the examination. This is not an excuse though. However, let bygones be bygones. My mother was quite disappointed about my results, but thankfully, I managed to enter a relatively good Secondary School – Maris Stella High.

It was also during that period when my sister and I started going to a Methodist Church located just beside my house. I believe that nothing happens by mere coincidence but that all the happenings in our lives are specifically designed by God Himself for an intended purpose. Why, out of all the places in Singapore, did we choose to live in Serangoon Avenue 3? It was also no coincidence at all that my sister and I were brought under the care of a family who are regular members of that church as well. At that church, my sister and I joined the youth group and from thereon, personally, my walk with God officially began. There, I was taught about Christ, salvation, worship, faith, obedience, hope, love, and many other wonderful things about God. There, I was taught to worship in spirit and in truth. There, I found a place where I could seek refuge, solace and most of all, God. I made many friends who shared the same faith, friends who were helpful and caring. They, along with the leaders, helped to nourish the roots of my faith in God, and to spur me on in my walk with Him. In short, that church was the first place where I first met God in a personal, intimate way I will never forget for the rest of my life.

In my opinion, Christianity along with the different denominations, should not be deemed as just a religion, rather, it is a faith in which a relationship with God is involved. It matters not the differences in our beliefs, but the one thing we have in common is our belief in God, in Christ, and in salvation. What matters is our relationship with God in our lives once we have been assured of our salvation – as seen in the Bible, we are saved by faith and grace alone. For example, a recent survey done in 2005 showed that 85% of priests are looking for a more effective and powerful prayer life. Therefore, in this sense, I feel that as Christians or Catholics, we should not isolate ourselves and be confined to that small little box such that we do not mix around with other Christians. We should find a church where we are comfortable with, where we can grow in faith and in love for God and the people around us. Why should our personal relationship with God be hindered by the differences in the beliefs of the different denominations? What I am saying is related to the fact that some Catholics are just too narrow-minded. My mother, for example, forbids me to attend special events organized by other Churches from another denomination. In my current Catholic church at Immaculate Heart of Mary, I feel as though I am coming to church because it is an obligation, a duty. I feel I am going to church being dragged by my mother, having to stand and kneel in church intermittently without any praise or worship for God. There, I cannot feel the spirit of worship that I used to in my previous church. I cannot feel God. Thus, if we are not able to grow in our faith in a particular church or the members of the church are not reaching out to help each other grow in faith, then what is the point of coming to that church? Our own relationship with God becomes stale and tasteless. The members of the church are what make up the church, the body of Christ. And it is written in the Bible that we ought to find a church we can grow in faith. And why should be so narrow-minded that we abhor churches from other denominations? After all, these denominations branched out of the traditional Catholic denomination because of the flaws in the practices that the church once upheld. For example, in the past, a woman with a certain disease was not allowed to offer sacrifices before the altar in the church. Is this not discrimination which is against that which we are taught by Christ? We are all flawed in certain ways. Why can’t we accept and embrace the flaws, the differences between the Catholic Church and the other denominations? Even today, the kind of worship that the Catholic Church practices is still considered “dull” and “boring” in the view of especially youths. In the Catholic Church, the members come in families which are segregated from one another such that there is a lack of interaction between them. There is no motivation given by the different families to help each other grow in faith. Unlike other denominations, the members of the Catholic Church are compartmentalized and separated from one another physically and spiritually. This, I feel, is a shame and a pity. And so, in this sense, I have to disagree with my mother that at times, I feel that she is so paranoid for prohibiting me from attending events such as camps organized by other churches from another denomination. I understand her concerns that these churches may, in her opinion, “drag me away from my own church”, but I feel I am old enough to take care of myself in terms of my faith and beliefs. After all, it is my faith and own relationship with God, and not hers. However, I will continue to pray for that all Christians in this world will, by the grace of God, accept the differences in beliefs between the different denominations and be united in one faith and love as Christ has encouraged us to do so.

Now back to my life in Secondary School, we learn about another major examination at the end of Secondary 4 called the “O” Levels Examinations which in turn will determine the Junior College or Polytechnic we shall enter the year after. Through Secondary 1 and 2, I have been blessed with so much by God that I managed to score an average of 72.8% for my end-of-year examination in Secondary 2. This result granted me the credential to take up a triple science subject combination for “O” levels which was deemed the best combination and of highest honour. In Secondary 3, I found myself unable to cope with the sciences whilst my Mathematics was improving day by day. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I met a very smart and capable student called Yuan Bo. As we sat side by side, we learned many things from each other – perhaps more for me. He imparted his knowledge of the sciences to me and I began to love each of the three science subjects one by one, starting from Chemistry to Physics and finally Biology. Through his diligence and perseverance, I was motivated to work hard in my studies and do well in my examinations. As a result of which, my results improved day after day. Praise God for that! At the same time, I made many friends in school as well – they’re fun-loving, energetic, caring, honest and true. They may not be the most studious, the smartest, the richest, the godliest, or the perfect friend, but each one of them truly and simply showed me how human I was, that life is not perfect but should be relished every single moment of our lives as though we’re about to die. Through their flaws, they magnified my own weaknesses and that allowed me to change myself accordingly.

As the ‘O’ Levels drew near, my friends and I started to burn midnight oil, sacrifice sleeping time and that which is used to play computer games, sports, etc. We made many sacrifices but when we receive our result slips next January, it will be worthwhile. For myself, I had not been able to complete my English compositions in time for examinations. But for the ‘O’ Levels, I somehow managed to develop my thoughts clearly and pen them down in a structured manner almost automatically and within the time frame. How amazing was that? The science and mathematics papers went well and I managed to complete my humanities paper in time, though not perfectly done. There is just too much for me to thank God for, and I believe this is so for my classmates, some of whom only studied one chapter which was eventually tested. Evidently, His grace can be seen from this event and other inexplicable incidents which we’ve experienced throughout the ‘O’ Levels Examinations. Looking back, I think I could have done better for my papers. However, I know for one fact that I did my best and most of all, I relied only on His grace and wisdom in completing the examinations. And this is what makes me contented and want to only move forward with the “results” I have already achieved. This is my biggest accomplishment. When I get back my results, I will not claim they’re produced by my own human effort but by that of God. I place my results in the divine hands of God. I place my future and life under his will.

What next? Move on with life.

Currently, my mother and I are not on good terms. There are really many areas where our opinions clash with each other. She’s a perfectionist. She demands total, flawless perfection. Yes, it’s true. Every night, I pray that I may be able to understand her, and vice versa. How can a relationship be maintained in good condition if the parties involved do not understand each other? Is that not why we read the Bible, and pray that we may be able to grow closer to and understand God better? I guess all of us are flawed and have our own troubles, hurdles or challenges – whatever you may want to call them – in life. I need to make that first step to know my mother better and I pray for the strength to do so. If we keep running away, when will our troubles end? And most of all, I need your prayers too! I’m just a human, a very flawed one indeed. There is just too much for me to change, for me to upgrade.

And lastly, I REALLY need to find a voluntary work for the holidays! It’s a calling for me, but I got rejected four times in a row! If you have any information, please tell me! And I’m not giving up!

Amen.